There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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