i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize