Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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