If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
