The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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