Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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