Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
