Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I smell like Dick and happiness
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