I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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