I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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