he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
