Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
