The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
