i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
