he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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