She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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