Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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