i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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