Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
