I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
