I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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