Define "chronic" masturbator.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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