I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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