I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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