hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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