Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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