Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
