When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize