Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
