My Higher Power is John Stamos
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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