We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At least life still wants to fuck me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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