We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
