Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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