I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
