i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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