I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
