There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I intend to get homeless drunk
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
