My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
