i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
