paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
