I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
