A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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