Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
wow bdsm is so cute
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