i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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