We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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