I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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