I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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