So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
