We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The air was thick with penises
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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