Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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