last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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