I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
