You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Randomize
