no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
