3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you didnt know i had herpes?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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