Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
