Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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