apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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