she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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