i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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